true story

I've never really been all that great at spending time alone with myself, and yet, all too often, I find I spend most of my days solo. And while it has taken a great deal of adjustment, I've come to understand that I generally prefer my company alone than the company of anyone else. And I don't know if that makes me an asshole, or just secure enough in who I am to know I don't need the validation of others.

I've been thinking a lot about perception, and why people choose to look at the world the way they do. There are all kinds of world views to subscribe to, and I'm not going to sit here at my computer and type away about how mine's the best. It's not. I'm not even sure it's a good one, but it seems to work for me. However, what I'm most interested in discussing at this juncture is why we choose a particular way of living.

I've recently moved back into my mother's house in Oklahoma, and I'm re-evaluating and redeveloping my life after some pretty serious health problems. At the most base level, I'm in recovery. Suffice it to say, I'm not really working with a whole lot right now. But I'm more happy than I've been in years. Why is that? Part of it can be attributed to the fact that my health is getting back on track, and I'm not constantly maligned with some kind of devastating medical side effect. Or it could be that I'm swimming at least a half a mile everyday, and spending lots of time outside with my dog. It could be related to any number of changed factors in my life. However, I think it can be attributed to the idea that I am choosing to live a happy life. For years, I've struggled with the idea that this place or that place is a bad place, and if I could just get away from he/she/it/that job/the weather in that town/this/that/any old thing that I'd be okay.

Erica Jong said, "Take your life into your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame." My avoidance of accepting reality severely handicapped me from being able to truly embrace what was happening in my life. My life is no better today than it was 7 months ago when this crazy path to recovery started, in fact, it's more difficult, because I have to face up to, own and move past my mistakes, and at some point, I will have to forgive myself. But the great difference, and the one that makes the end of each day a good one, is that I'm choosing to be here, every day. I'm making the choice as to who and what I want to be.


also, the thirty day change turned out to be swimming. I really didn't know that's what was going to happen, but it makes sense. I do love the water, and in terms of literary constructs, could there be a more fitting archetype than water for recovery?

much love,

The General.

probably supposed to be day one

I looked at the headline I created for this blog (mind you, I've had the name and the theme in my head for months) and I realized that not much of what I've been thinking about these days has anything to do with nature around concrete. But as I type that, I realize I have to take it back, because I do watch the sunset almost everyday.

And sunsets tend to be inspirational, although the archetypes that immediately pop into my mind are of the sunset at the end of life, or the end of an experience. However, not every ending is bad, and some endings are so good they lead to better things.

Like whatever it was I was apparently so compelled to end yesterday evening. I'm still trying to figure out where that came from. I think I'm gonna roll with it though. Just kind of let it happen and document what seems to be happening over these next 30 days. The major differences so far seem to be a renewed interest in the consumption of water and vegetables, and a higher amount determination to get some exercise.

I think it's all stemming from the idea that I'm actually aiming to do something with my life right now, which is actually something new. Not entirely new, but new enough. I think I just reached my first honestly limit. Anyway, I've got considerable amounts of anxiety about the future, so I guess my gut reaction is to write it down as I go along, and then see what shakes out.

I think, no wait, I know, it's going to be good.

negative 1

I'm not exactly sure what the next thirty days will be about, but it's for damn sure they don't start today.

Today is filled with 32oz margaritas, sappy chick flicks, episodes of the real world, and extended phone conversations with friends about my future. Not to mention dog walks, and movie theater popcorn with extra butter. Which, by the way, scares the hell out of me. My future, not my friends or the extra butter. You see, I've screwed it up a whole bunch in the past, and it's been almost 2 full years since I tried to pursue a career. Lately, all I've tried to pursue is my way forward. However, you can't sit still forever, so starting tomorrow, it's 30 days of something.

Hopefully, that 30 days is consists of health, or at least the pursuit of it. Hopefully that 30 days consists of determination. I feel like they say 28 days is the amount of time needed to build or break a habit. Let's see what happens in the next 30 days.

back to the margaritas. I mean, there's got to at least be a send off party.

xoxo
the general