true story

I've never really been all that great at spending time alone with myself, and yet, all too often, I find I spend most of my days solo. And while it has taken a great deal of adjustment, I've come to understand that I generally prefer my company alone than the company of anyone else. And I don't know if that makes me an asshole, or just secure enough in who I am to know I don't need the validation of others.

I've been thinking a lot about perception, and why people choose to look at the world the way they do. There are all kinds of world views to subscribe to, and I'm not going to sit here at my computer and type away about how mine's the best. It's not. I'm not even sure it's a good one, but it seems to work for me. However, what I'm most interested in discussing at this juncture is why we choose a particular way of living.

I've recently moved back into my mother's house in Oklahoma, and I'm re-evaluating and redeveloping my life after some pretty serious health problems. At the most base level, I'm in recovery. Suffice it to say, I'm not really working with a whole lot right now. But I'm more happy than I've been in years. Why is that? Part of it can be attributed to the fact that my health is getting back on track, and I'm not constantly maligned with some kind of devastating medical side effect. Or it could be that I'm swimming at least a half a mile everyday, and spending lots of time outside with my dog. It could be related to any number of changed factors in my life. However, I think it can be attributed to the idea that I am choosing to live a happy life. For years, I've struggled with the idea that this place or that place is a bad place, and if I could just get away from he/she/it/that job/the weather in that town/this/that/any old thing that I'd be okay.

Erica Jong said, "Take your life into your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame." My avoidance of accepting reality severely handicapped me from being able to truly embrace what was happening in my life. My life is no better today than it was 7 months ago when this crazy path to recovery started, in fact, it's more difficult, because I have to face up to, own and move past my mistakes, and at some point, I will have to forgive myself. But the great difference, and the one that makes the end of each day a good one, is that I'm choosing to be here, every day. I'm making the choice as to who and what I want to be.


also, the thirty day change turned out to be swimming. I really didn't know that's what was going to happen, but it makes sense. I do love the water, and in terms of literary constructs, could there be a more fitting archetype than water for recovery?

much love,

The General.